(opening theme playing)
(audience cheering)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight.
I'm John Oliver It is time for a quick recap of the week,
and let's start with today.
Because this morning, everyone was expecting
a big political announcement,
and then spent most of the day continuing to expect it.
Reporter: Waiting for the word.
Hillary Clinton's expected to announce
she's running for president today.
But what is she waiting for?
Some reporters are expecting it to happen in the next few minutes,
sometime around noon. It could come later in the day, though.
We're waiting for Hillary Clinton to make it official.
Any moment now. Any moment.
We're waiting for that. She's 67 years old.
And we'll see when that announcement comes out.
Okay, first-- first of all, it's 67 years young.
Didn't you learn anything from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?
And second, there's no point trying to build suspense
when there isn't any.
Because everyone knew this was happening.
And I'll save you the time of watching this video.
It's two minutes, 18 seconds long.
It features one dog, one cat,
and exactly four relevant words.
I'm running for president.
That's it!
There is nothing else to see
and nothing else to talk about.
Because let me be clear,
speculating over who's going to win the 2016 election now
is like speculating over who's going to win the shot-put
at the 2016 Olympics.
The only thing we know for sure
is that Ted Cruz isn't going to win either.
That's it. That's all we know.
So we can put it on hold.
So let's move on.
Let's move on to talk about an election that's actually imminent
in the United Kingdom,
the slightly damp corpse of the British empire.
Because in less than a month, voters there will head to the polls,
and it's close.
Prime Minister David Cameron is trying to fend off
the Labor Party and its leader Ed Miliband.
They are still neck and neck.
They're a tenth of a percentage point apart.
A month to go now.
Things are starting potentially to get a little bit exciting.
"Potentially a little bit exciting."
That is quintessentially British enthusiasm.
"This election might be-- I mean, it could not be--
"it probably won't be, but it could be interesting.
I'm sorry to have brought it up. I've wasted your time."
The thing is-- the thing is,
this election is actually interesting,
from the race to determine who will be prime minister
all the way down to the local elections,
where there are some very unusual candidates.
A UKIP candidate for this year's local elections
in Bristol has been revealed as an international porn star.
Male reporter: Performs under the name of Johnny Rockard.
For reasons of decency, we can't show you most of what's out there.
"We can give you the general gist, though.
And it is this." It's that.
Now-- now you might right now be picturing
what a porn star called Johnny Rockard looks like.
But what you're imagining is wrong
because this is him.
Now that it's come out,
I won't say I'm that bothered about it.
Because it's nothing that I'm ashamed of
in any way, shape or form.
Now your reaction may justifiably be,
"That's Johnny Rockard?
"I didn't realize suburban middle-aged pharmacist
was fetish in Britain." And, look, you're not wrong.
I don't buy that man as a porn star.
I barely buy him as a porn caterer.
But let's-- let's put Johnny Rockard aside for a second,
because the main race pits Prime Minister David Cameron
against Labor leader Ed Miliband,
who is fighting a public perception that,
as 41% of Britain said in a poll last year,
he's "a bit weird."
And he's not been doing a great job to disprove that.
Last week, during one-- the one and only debate in Britain,
he left his notes behind on the podium,
and unfortunately for him, the press found them.
Reporter: On them, it would appear to say,
"happy warrior," "calm never agitated,"
"me versus DC," uh, "decency," "values,"
and "relish the chance to show who I am."
Okay, that-- that clearly sounds pretty bad.
Although, to be honest, you haven't seen the note I keep on my desk for myself,
which reads, "You're a funny man, you're not a loser.
Don't let them see the sadness."
Miliband-- Miliband-- don't look at it--
Miliband has also had some image problems
following this embarrassing photo
of him eating a bacon sandwich appallingly.
Now you might think, that's nothing.
But this has become a genuine story in the UK,
with headlines such as, "Ed Miliband Looks Weird Eating a Bacon Sandwich."
And sensing his opponent's weakness,
the British prime minister has pounced.
The prime minister seems to be eating his way
around the country, certainly today.
He popped into a-- randomly, like one does,
popped into someone else's family barbecue,
and was trying to look sort of normal and cool,
and ended up eating a hot dog with a knife and fork.
We saw him later in the day
in a pie factory sampling pies
and making Scotch eggs.
And he washed it all down with, um,
with half a pint of stout.
So it's not all-- I don't know quite what's going on,
but they seem to determined to see Cameron out
on the campaign trail eating.
This is pathetic,
because the UK election has apparently been reduced
to an eating contest.
They're one step away from putting 50 sausage rolls
in front of each of them and saying, "Who wants it more?
Go! Eat, eat, eat!"
I will say, though, the most nauseating thing
that either candidate did this week
was nothing to do with food. It was when David Cameron
visited the set of Game of Thrones
in an attempt to pander to the public,
and he claimed to be a huge fan.
I'm on the set of Game of Thrones.
As a government, we're going to go on supporting the film industry,
supporting the television industry,
so more fabulous television is made,
just like the set that I'm very excited to be on right now,
as a big "Throny."
Ech!
First of all, siphoning goodwill from people who enjoy Game of Thrones
is my thing, especially tonight!
Especially tonight.
And secondly... (audience cheering)
Especially tonight.
I refuse to believe that you are a "Throny,"
unless, by Throny, you mean someone who fucks throw pillows,
in which case, you're right. You're definitely a total Throny.
But finally this week--
finally this week, Cuba, Florida's teardrop tattoo,
this week-- this week brought
a seismic shift in US-Cuban relations.
Let's take a look at the picture everyone was waiting for--
the leaders of the US and Cuba
sitting down together, shaking hands, a couple of times, actually,
and making plans to normalize relations between the two countries.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there.
As everyone who has ever been through a bad break-up knows,
you don't normalize relations by going straight to a handshake.
First you start with liking a couple of Facebook statuses,
just to show that you're totally over what happened.
Then maybe you comment. "That looks fun,"
on a brunch photo of theirs.
Then and only then do you shake hands and lift your trade embargo.
There is a process with this shit.
Don't skip a step.
The president was actually pretty clear
about his reasons for this shift in tone.
I think people recognize that if you keep on doing something
for 50 years and it doesn't work, you should try something new.
Okay, but nice work, Obama.
You just gave 70-year-old adulterers everywhere
an excuse to leave their wives for their dental hygienists.
"Look, Lorraine, to paraphrase America's first black president,
"we've been doing this for 50 years.
"It isn't working. It's time to start something new.
"So I'm off to bang Carly in my Porsche Boxster,
to quote the president."
Still, still,
this was clearly a historic meeting,
and it turned out to be even more cordial
than anyone expected.
Jim Acosta: The president of Cuba saying
that he admires President Obama,
that he considers him to be an honest man,
that he's read President Obama's autobiography.
Ooh!
Very nice, he's read the president's books.
That is both flattering, and a bit of a fuck-you
to the concept of a 50-year trade embargo.
"Yeah, yeah, I read your book. I read it on my iPad
"'cause my Kindle Fire was broken.
You've been wasting your time."
Still, just for my peace of mind, to clear this up,
was Castro saying he read the president's book
or that he had the president's book?
Because as we all know, those are two very different things.
Acosta: He's read President Obama's autobiography.
He said he wants to finish reading them-- he hasn't read all of them,
uh, but that he's started skimming those books.
Exactly!
He skimmed them. He did what millions of us have done.
He saw the president's book, thought, "I guess I should read this,"
picked it up, read a few pages,
went, "Eh, I'll finish it later,"
and put it up on a shelf next to Ulysses,
The Bell Jar, and all of our other favorite books
that we've never actually read.
You know what, Cuba? I think the US and Cuba
are gonna get along just fine.
And now this.
Announcer: And now, excruciatingly awkward silences
caused by technical difficulties.
Terry Lyles, welcome back.
Terry Lyles, can you hear me?
I'm gonna try this one more time.
Terry Lyles, it's Brooke on CNN.
You got me?
What's the best thing we could say
about this economy tonight?
David? Uh, maybe you can't hear me.
Can you hear me, colonel?
We're having some audio problems there.
Uh, Phil, can you hear me?
I think we lost Phil.
Man: Jim, good morning.
Uh, Philip, can you hear me now?
Oh, my. Our apologies.
I--
Chris Hayes: Can you hear me, congressman?
Oh, I can-- yes. I didn't--
I was listening to your-- uh, your, uh--
Thank you.
Moving on, moving on,
our main story tonight is the IRS.
Now I know that sounds unappealing,
but I promise you, if you stay to the end of this,
there'll be a very sexy reward.
Now this Wednesday is April the 15th,
the day every year when Wesley Snipes
pokes his little head out of his burrow,
and if he sees his own tax return, quickly dives back in.
And like clockwork,
tax season bring with it an annual gnashing of teeth.
Two dreaded words this time of year,
"tax time." It is tax day today.
Maybe you hold your nose while finishing up your taxes.
Man: Tax season officially begins. Ugh.
Tax season, tax season!
It's the most wonderful time of the year.
Happy tax day, everybody.
That's sarcasm, of course.
Yes.
Tax season is a lot like bathing-suit season.
You probably dread it unless you're already the kind of person
who spends a lot of time in the Cayman Islands.
People hate taxes and they hate the IRS,
so much so, they can't help but express that,
whatever the circumstances.
And this should make you a real crowd favorite,
John works for the IRS.
(crowd booing)
(laughter)
We've never had a contestant booed.
Let me make it easier for you.
He works in collection for the IRS.
(booing) Aw, come on.
What are you doing, Regis?
Stop baiting the crowd.
"Boo him! Boo him!"
"Now let's lock the doors and turn off the cameras
and burn him! Let's burn the money witch!"
And to be honest, the IRS have not been good recently
at winning people over,
particularly this current tax season.
Woman: And brace yourself for a rough tax season.
Yes, the IRS warning this year will be worse than most for you.
If you need to visit an IRS office,
a word of warning-- prepare to wait.
Man: A little after 8:00, the line already snaked
across the sidewalk, reaching out into the parking lot.
I came here Monday and I was here from 7:00 to 4:00.
And there's only two people working inside.
Two employees. That is not good.
Because if you're in that line, you need help.
No one waits that long for something they could fix themselves.
It's the same way that you know
the people in line in the emergency room at 2:00 AM
definitely have something stuck inside their butt.
"You?" "Corndog. You?"
"Boba Fett action figure." "I've been there."
And, look, if you're thinking, "Well, this doesn't affect me.
I'll just call the IRS on the phone,"
well, good luck with that.
Woman: Nationwide, only four in 10 callers
to the agency's toll-free line are getting through
to a real person.
The number of courtesy disconnects
when an overloaded system hangs up on the customer
has now reached five million so far this year.
That's right.
If the IRS's system gets overloaded,
it will give you a "courtesy disconnect,"
which means hanging up on you.
And you can't just put a nice word in front of an unpleasant one
and change the meaning.
It's like the phrase, "politely decline"
or "Care Bears." They're still bears.
They'll rip you the fuck apart.
They're bears.
It's in their blood.
Is-- is it any wonder
that everyone hates the IRS?
Dealing with them is obligatory,
it often functions badly,
and it combines two of the things
that we hate the most in life--
someone taking our money and math.
And yet, tonight I'm going to attempt the impossible.
I'm going to try and make you feel
a small amount of sympathy for the IRS.
Because for a start, it cannot be a pleasant place to work.
Just listen to what extra little gifts they get
alongside people's tax returns.
We've had everything come in from brown sugar to dust
out of the vacuum cleaner, to people spreading mustard on the check.
Now that check is processable.
We just wipe the mustard off and send it to the bank.
Listen to how matter-of-fact he is.
This must happen all the time.
"Yeah, some people put mustard on their checks.
"Some people file their returns inside of a dead fish.
"One man covered his check in Vaseline and pubic hair.
"We just wipe it off and send it to the bank.
That's what we do here."
And it's not just furious mustard enthusiasts
taking it out on the IRS.
Even state governors have publicly demonized them.
Reporter: Governor LePage didn't want to talk about
the outrage he sparked when he compared
the IRS to the Gestapo, the Nazi secret police.
But when we pushed him for a comment,
here is what he said.
It was never intended to offend anyone.
But you compared them to the Gestapo!
Of course they were offended.
If you compare someone to the Gestapo
and they don't get offended,
that's a big red flag.
But the public perception of IRS employees
as Gestapo-like villains doesn't quite match up
when you see what they're actually like.
Because on the IRS YouTube channel,
there are videos where employees talk about their jobs,
and they don't seem evil so much as unbelievably boring.
A data transcriber takes the physical return
and inputs it into the computer system for further processing.
You know, you've got to know about the budgetary accounting,
proprietary accounting...
You're out there meeting taxpayers
at their residences, at their places of business.
You're conducting interviews on taxpayers.
You're investigating their assets.
You're out there interviewing third parties,
looking for assets that possibly the taxpayer didn't disclose to you.
Those people aren't Nazis.
Nazis are inherently interesting.
Those people are the physical equivalent of Ambien.
And, look, there is a weird kind of heroism
to doing jobs that are that boring.
'Cause not only could I not do their job,
I can barely even listen to them talking about it.
So why exactly do we hate the IRS so much?
'Cause it's worth remembering, if you are angry
about the amount of tax you pay,
that's nothing to do with them.
That's determined by a vote in Congress,
much like declarations of war
and how often Orrin Hatch is allowed to orgasm.
Uh, not yet, Orrin.
Not yet.
Now.
There you go, there you go.
And, look, if you think-- (applause)
If you think our tax code is too complicated,
well, that's Congress's fault, too.
And you know who agrees with you?
The people who work for the IRS.
Because even they have trouble keeping up.
Nina Olson: We looked at how many changes in the tax law had occurred.
In the last year alone, it was something like 579 changes.
579 changes? 579 changes in the tax law.
In one year? That's more than a change every day.
Yes. How do you keep up?
Uh, I don't. (laughs)
And I don't know how individuals or businesses keep up.
579 changes in one year.
The only document that should change that often
is the Wikipedia page for Bill Cosby.
"Oh, what are we now? 32 accusers?
"34?
"Holy shit, I don't know how anyone keeps up.
This really should be going above Fat Albert at this point."
The fact is, blaming the IRS
because you hate paying your taxes
is a bit like slapping your check-out clerk
because the price of eggs has gone up.
It's not her fault.
She's just trying to help you get out of the store.
That scenario, incidentally, is also my pitch
for The Slap season two.
That's apropos of nothing.
But let's recap.
The IRS does a difficult, thankless,
almost dangerously boring job,
and that job has actually been getting even more difficult
because of this.
The IRS budget has been slashed in recent years.
Since the GOP won control of the chamber back in 2010,
the agency's funding has shrunk
by nearly 20%.
You can't lose nearly 20% of what you are
and be as effective.
It's like pretending Zayn leaving One Direction
doesn't tear the heart out of that band.
Oh, he was 20% of the band,
but he was 99% of the soul!
It's over, everyone. Jordan has left the Bulls!
I don't like it any more than you!
But the DNA of the band is broken.
And I can't believe I'm the one in this room
that cares the most about this!
Shame on you!
The point is,
Congress has slashed the IRS's budget,
but largely out of anger,
which was not entirely unjustified.
You may remember a few years ago,
there were scandals over overspending on conferences
and training videos like this horrific parody
of Star Trek.
It would seem, captain,
the NoTaxions' lack of skilled tax leaders
has resulted in a widespread case of confusion.
Uninformed taxpayers, high noncompliance,
no strategic vision. I'm afraid without a wealth of skilled leaders,
anarchy is spreading across the planet like a virus.
Wow, that's depressing.
I have seen Star Trek porn parodies
less depressing than that.
But, look, that of course--
that of course was nothing next to the IRS's big scandal.
Man: Report coming out this week
shows IRS officials were targeting Tea Party
and other conservative groups
when those groups apply for tax-exempt status.
Yes, the Tea Party targeting scandal,
where the IRS inundated many conservative groups with questions,
sometimes delaying their applications for years.
And, look, that scandal was not nothing.
Because while they did target liberal groups as well,
those groups were scrutinized to a much lesser extent
and made up only 29 of the 298 groups targeted,
which is ridiculous.
'Cause if you want to find liberal groups to harass, it's easy.
Just google, "What was that thing Alec Baldwin was going on about?"
But the investigation into all this is ongoing,
and while current evidence strongly suggests
that this was more of a giant bureaucratic fuck-up
than something more nefarious,
for the sake of argument, let's assume the absolute worst,
that this was deliberate political targeting.
The best thing to do then
would be to get rid of the people who were in charge
and make some changes to help the agency review political groups,
both of which have happened.
The worst thing to do is what we've done,
and that's angrily slash their budget
so they can't operate properly.
Because remember those long lines from earlier?
You can thank the cuts for those.
Between 2010 and 2014,
the IRS lost over 13,000 employees.
The portion of our workforce over 50 years of age
has been growing rapidly during the last several years.
We have only 650 employees
out of 87,000, who are 25 or younger.
It's true.
Most IRS employees are over 50
and less than 1% are under 25.
And that does not bode well for the IRS.
Because a government agency should not have
the same age ratio as an Eric Clapton concert.
And the IRS's staff is not the only thing
that is aging at a dangerous rate.
Narrator: Some think the IRS has fallen short
in their efforts to keep up with modern-day technology.
Almost half of all tax data
exists on the magnetic-tape and cartridge system
developed in the 1960s.
That is terrifying!
We should at least be using technology invented
after an era when it was okay to call a female coworker "Toots."
But we-- we shouldn't just fund the IRS
because we want our information stored on something
a little more sophisticated
than a fucking Duck Hunt cartridge.
We should fund them because the IRS
is one of the safest investments for public money available.
According to the Treasury Department,
every dollar spent on tax enforcement
yields back six. Six!
The IRS sextuples your money.
They should make that their motto,
were it not for the fact that "Sextuples"
is already the name of "Sandals" spin-off
most likely to get shuttered by the Health Department.
"Welcome to Sextuples,
"where all you need to bring is an open mind
"and lots of bleach. Lots of bleach.
Lots-- that's on you."
The problem is,
our whole tax system is built upon trust.
And if people lose faith in the IRS,
the whole system by which we fund everything is in trouble.
We collect $3 trillion a year
in a voluntary compliance system.
If the compliance rate goes down by 1%,
either because people think the chances of getting caught are down,
or because they can't find out the right information,
or they just get aggravated with us--
a 1% decline in the compliance rate
costs the government $30 billion annually.
Exactly.
The IRS compliance rate
is entirely based on confidence,
much like Lyle Lovett's sex appeal
or Channing Tatum's acting ability.
You lose that confidence,
everything collapses.
And, look, I'm not saying the IRS is a likable organization.
But not everything that's important is likable.
Think of our government as a body.
The IRS is the anus.
It's-- it's nobody's favorite part,
but you need that thing working properly,
or everything goes to shit real quick.
And-- and we don't need to love the IRS
or even like them, but after decades
of us calling them Nazis and sending them mustard,
I think they may deserve at least a few minutes
of at least grudging acknowledgment
of the unpleasant but necessary function they serve.
Unfortunately, expression of sincere emotion
is not my forte. I'm British.
Luckily, I have some serious help tonight.
So to serenade the IRS with, if not a love song,
a song of reluctant support for their appropriate funding,
please welcome Grammy-award-winning singer and songwriter,
Mr. Michael Bolton!
(crowd cheering)
(playing)
* Oh, yeah
* I could hardly believe it
* When I heard the news today *
* Congress cut your budget right in two *
* I guess you make people angry *
* With the things you do and say *
* 'Cause you make us give our money *
* Straight to you
* But we need you real bad
* Though it's clear nobody really likes you *
* You're the anus of our country *
* Don't you know?
* Tell me, how are we supposed *
* To live without you?
* We couldn't functionally survive *
* No
* How are we supposed
* To live without you?
* And though saying this just cuts me *
* Like a knife
* We need the IRS to stay alive *
(crowd cheering)
* Yes, you've had fuck-ups
* Like that stupid Star Trek thing *
* Tell me, who was it who really thought of that? *
Michael, you'll be pleased to know
the people responsible are all gone, so...
* Well, I'm sorry to hear that *
Why?
* They got staffing problems, too *
That's actually true.
* Their recruitment numbers are at best *
* A little flat
That's a nuanced point, Michael Bolton.
* Now I don't want to know
* Just how we'd got along without them *
* 'Cause you never miss your anus *
* Till it's gone
* Tell me, how are we supposed *
* To live without you?
* We cut and cut your budgets *
* Till you bleed
* How are we supposed
* To live without you?
* And how will we pay
* For everything we need?
* Like Colorado National Park procurement assistant Brian Reed? *
That-- that's a specific example, Michael.
Look, IRS, you're never going to be anyone's favorite agency.
You know that. You're boring.
You're unlikable. But here's the thing.
Deep down, we need you.
We need you like we need our own anus.
Because like our anus, we may not love you,
or like to talk about you,
or even want to look at you through a series
of strategically-placed mirrors,
but deep down, we're glad you're there.
Is that not right, Michael? Tell them about it!
Tell them!
* Now I don't want to know
* What life is like without an anus *
Sing it to them, Michael!
* Will you think of Brian Reed? *
Do you know that man personally?
* Tell me, how are we supposed *
* To live without you?
* We've relied on you for funding *
* For so long
* How are we supposed to live *
* Without you?
* And how are we supposed
* To carry on
* When the only practical way to collect revenue *
* Under our current governmental system *
* Pending a significant overhaul of the tax code *
* Which seems unlikely at best *
* Is gone?
Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Bolton!
That's our show! Good night!
* How am I supposed to live without you? *
Good night!
Both: * We couldn't functionally survive! *
* No
* How are we supposed to live *
* Without you?
* And though saying this
* Just cuts me like a knife *
Say it anyway, M.B. Say it anyway.
* We need the IRS
* To stay alive.
(audience cheering)
Michael Bolton, ladies and gentlemen!
Michael Bolton!
(audience cheering)